||[09 Jan 2006|12:54am]
I have a year left of college. Well, actually less than a year, if we're going to be technical. I am tying up some loose ends right now, but will shortly be applying to the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, where, if accepted, I will pursue an MBA and MA in International Relations through the school's dual-degree program.
Should I not be accepted to Wharton, I will still likely be relocating to a different city for work- this thrills me beyond all explanation.
Whether or not I go to Wharton, I want to have a job I enjoy. I want to meet the man who will become my husband, I want us to buy a house with a second-story walk-out patio, and I want us to have a little baby and adopt ten others. To me, it almost seems that being accepted to Wharton and attaining all my career goals are more likely to happen than what I want for my personal life, but, I could be wrong; maybe it will all depend on what I devote my energy to and prioritize highest. I know in my heart which matters the most, without a doubt.
Each day, I take a look at myself, my surroundings, my plans, and my progress- I am somewhat please with what I see, though, never satisfied.
Still, I am entirely different person now, on January the ninth, than I was eight months ago.
I am motivated to succeed more than I have ever been in my life, academically and otherwise. I am ridiculously thinner. I am involved in several groups with people with whom I share the same track and destination. I am skating simply because I love it and I can. I am pouring my heart into substitute teaching students, who have yet to unleash their enormous potential, in hopes that to some extent, I can help them do so.
I AM PUTTING IN THE TIME AND EFFORT TO KNOCK DOWN ALL BARRIERS THAT STAND IN THE WAY OF NOT ONLY WHAT I WANT, BUT WHAT I KNOW IS MINE; BARRIERS THAT USED TO BE BRICK WALLS A THOUSAND FEET HIGH, UNPHASED BY MY ATTEMPS TO TOPPLE THEM USING ALL MY STRENGTH, BUT ARE NOW SINGLE SHEETS OF WET TISSUE PAPER WHICH I EFFORTLESSLY SLICE DOWN THE CENTER WITH MY LITTLE FINGER.
I should also probably mention Nietzsche and I have become cozily acquainted...ha.
In short, life for me is wonderful, and not JUST because I've decided it would be that way, but because my providers decided to put me first financially; yes, I am a completely spoiled "daddy's girl" suburbanite who was lucky enough to be place in this situation, I know, and I'm thankful.
The new me is thankful, optimistic, and painfully more mature than some of you will be for quite sometime.
Some of you choose to verbally bash and libel me, thinking I don't hear you or see what you write- I do. I usually read it, or hear about it, have myself a giggle, and finish my coffee, knowing I am not so empty, insecure, and childish that I have to make another the center of my thoughts and actions because of jealously and/or bitterness. The saddest part is, you all think you've changed and are different, yet, you can't stop making me a centerpiece of your thoughts, conversations, and actions.
Some of you choose to verbally bash those who attack me, and you are called my friends. You are looking out for my best interests, not yours- you aren't users. You aren't takers, you're givers- you're simply just good people, and individuals I hope will be permanent fixtures in my life.
Some of you have chosen to change for the better, which has caused you to seek forgiveness and make amends, and I am appreciative of that, not because I particularly care about whether or not you feel bad about something you did to me, but because positive emotional growth and humility are always nice to see in another human.
Now, to address particular persons who have implied they'd like a little attention from me:
Well, I just plain don't like you. You win the award for being the individual least in touch with himself. Your hopeless pursuit of all that will surely fail isn't the problem; it's that you truly believe what you covet is what you deserve...ha, please. You may fool everyone else, certainly not me, though, the one who broke into you. I know how you sleep, I know what elicits your laughter, and I know how you describe me with a candle lighting my face. I know that you shoot first and fastest, in an effort to eradicate any person with an ounce of wit, because you yourself are so fragile, that being tripped by an insult and falling down would shatter you into a thousand pieces of vulnerability, forcing you to examine your own flaws and rebuild your character, which must be difficult, seeing as how, as you have confessed to me, you have many of the former in your own eyes, and none of the latter in mine.
We had some good times together- on occasion, great times, in fact; a lot of laughs, mostly you laughing at what I said, which I knew was witty, but that I didn't think you'd actually laugh aloud at; a rendezvous here and there, mostly for which I worked around your schedules. Problem was, I just gave and gave and gave, and you gave so tremendously little, yet, that minute amount was all I wanted; the problem, then, wasn't with you, but with me. I not only need to stop handing over as much of myself emotionally, but demand that someone else is handing over more than I am; somehow, it will all even out, I think, since I don't know how to make that sort of demand very well, nor do I know how to keep myself from giving. So, thank you, for making me realize long after the fact that the need to do so is complete and total malarkey. You're really a bastard, you know that? You're a bastard for making me ever realize it to begin with, to analyze it and reject it. You're even more of a bastard because, Annie Fucking Hall, I'll be damned if a few months later I didn't learn it really is true.
...it's just weird how people always want what they don't have. Even when what they
had was a good thing. I just hope that you have found, or will find a guy that
treats you well. You were really good to me, even when I treated you badly. I just
wanted to let you know that I thought you were an amazing person! I just wanted to wish you the
best... I hope you're still the strong-minded girl that you were when I dated
you. You look gorgeous and I hope you rub that in the boys' faces, and don't settle
for a guy who doesn’t pay attention to what your needs are as a woman. I know you
know all of this... and I'm rambling so have a good day and shoot for your
dreams cutie! I know you'll get whatever you want from life...
Thank you, for that. It was so long ago, and I really had forgotten about it, so it means a lot that after all this time, you would acknowledge it and apologize. I know that you have made some significant changes in your life and really turned yourself around, and I am proud of you.
Stop being so condescending, first of all. Don't tell me I don't fully understand something- I don't do that to you, and I easily could. Don't ever tell me about battling demons; you've really got no idea what you're talking about when it comes to MY demons. You may have heard me talking in my sleep when I was upset, but you hardly understand why. Don't tell me about God. I can spend all the time I want wondering and asking questions about Him, and it's really none of your business, and it isn't time lost to me; for me, time lost would involve spending hours throwing away money to online poker games. Don't close myself off because it will cause a slow decline of misery? You would know about being miserable, wouldn't you? Closing myself off? Who are you to tell anyone about closing themselves off? Stop pretending like you've matured, because you haven't. You're two years older than I am, which isn't much, and it would be ridiculous for me to take any advice you offered for that reason alone. You of all people would be better off keeping your thoughts about whether or not I should close off to love to yourself, especially since if you mention it, you obviously assume you've caused me to do so (you egomaniac); don't tell me about closing myself off from love. You don't even know what love is.
Secondly, yes, you do owe me, and if paying it back includes your little attempt at being Dear Abby, criticizing almost every statement I’ve made on my journal for the last few months, and humiliating me by letting the world know via the internet that you slept with some girl while you were still with me, then I want all that love- not to mention my virginity - back.
Thirdly, when you saw how much you really hurt ME? Hmm. You know, I've been courteous enough to never expose you negatively on here, until now. I don't have to sit and think about how much I really hurt you, because I went above and beyond what I WANTED to spare YOUR feelings. I wanted to break up with you long before I actually did, but, I didn't, because I knew you were completely emotionally unstable. I tried to ease you into the idea of us not seeing each other anymore with no luck, and when I very gently told you it was over, you stood there in my living room and sobbed, and said, "Now I have nothing to live for!" while I stood there and made a laundry list of decent qualities you somewhat possessed to get you to knock it off.
Fourthly, it hurts you to think you could have so negatively affected someone's life? Put away the ego, GEEZ. It wasn't that big of a deal- in fact, perhaps I should be the one apologizing to you, seeing as how you think about me often enough to read my journal everyday, it would seem, as acquaintances DO inform me when you mention me or criticize me, which is far more frequently than should be. What you had to say about me and that you said it at all doesn't really matter, it's that you still have your attention focused on me.
Fifthly, yes, you are selfish; unbelievably selfish. You're a user- you admitted it yourself. I'll add to it by saying what you did and who I know you to be is pathetic. I can say, with all assuredness, when it comes to me and how good it all could have been, you really blew it.
Sixthly, no, you don't deserve my forgiveness, but, you have it, and have had it for a while now, mostly because I pity you in general, but also because the same God you tell me is either too complex for me to understand, or doesn’t exist, has taught me how to forgive.
Seventhly, be honest with YOURSELF. You haven't changed, and you don't care about people, you just like to tell yourself that for your own selfish reason of feeling better. You'll read this and rush to your computer to write up yet another rude and unnecessarily mean analysis of me, as per usual.
Eighthly, your attempt at an apology didn't HAVE to be posted for the world to see; don't pretend you don't have my email address at the very least. I'd prefer if your public declaration could stay posted, though, seeing as how it makes a nice counter-balance to your previous efforts of shaming me.
Ninthly, you were going to handwrite it to me, but were afraid I wouldn't have opened it? Here's your answer to whether or not I would have opened a letter from you if found in my mailbox: I called you Christmas Eve, to tell you to have a nice holiday, among other thoughts I had to share, but you had your phone off; probably for the best, since even attempting to reach out like that was probably just another great example of me stupidly giving too much of myself to someone who doesn't deserve any part of me.
Tenthly, regardless of everything, cherry on top; because try as I might and always will, I just can't fucking help it.
After more than three years of writing in it, I am now done with this journal...bye.
...she's making sure she is not dreaming.
See the lights of a neighbor's house
now she's starting to rise
take a minute to concentrate
and she opens up her eyes...